Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The London Dungeons

Going to The London Dungeons was the single biggest disappointment of my life (and that's actually a generous understatement). It doesn't even merit a paragraph detailing why it was so awful so I'm just going to leave it at that.

What I will write about is how much better the advertisements made it seem. They really did a good job. There are posters all around London Bridge station, some try to depict how scary the rides are and some are clever and make you smile. The clever posters were much less deceiving because they, like the dungeons, were a joke.

One of the rides in a 'scary' poster shows a bunch of people in a log-flumesque ride shrieking as they tip forward over the edge of a huge drop. In reality, this ride actually goes 2km/h up a 10 foot incline, turns you around, moves you 20 feet to the left and you plummet backwards into a pitch-black, never-ending abyss (10 foot drop) at a heart-stopping 4km/h. It also comes with a complementary "get mechanically burped on by the animatronic guy heckling you" right before the drop. The ride is actually shorter than the safety lecture they give you before hand.

The other ride shown in a 'scary' poster (and alleged "climax" of the journey) is another 10 foot drop, only this time it's vertical. What makes this so much better than the other one is that it is significantly shorter, although still half as long as the safety lecture. Unfortunately they take your picture so that drops it down a few notches. There are a few conditions to be eligible to go on this ride. One, you have to be at least 1.2 meters tall. Two, you have to have a spinal column (or similar substitute). I think that's all of them. Maybe they should add "cannot be afraid of cameras" or "must not be allergic to plastic" or something else along those lines. I have my own warnings for those of you that are brave enough to venture on the 20 foot journey (up, then down). One, don't bother. Go directly to the gift shop and buy an over-priced Cherry Coke and enjoy it while you wait. If you really want to go on the ride but don't think you have the wits to survive the rest of grueling 1.5 hour tour, I have taken the time to come up with a cost-effective alternative. You can simulate the experience by having your friend push you off the sidewalk when you're sort of already expecting it, then take a picture of you (but if you want the picture you have to pay him $10).

To answer my question from yesterday when I said:
You can try to find out more about it here http://www.thedungeons.com/ but their website doesn't seem to be too useful (an opportunity?).
Now I understand that the website serves the only purpose it can, to take money from people. If they actually explained what the dungeons were then it would be counter-productive.

Looking back on it, I could have been the scariest thing in there. I was standing near the entrance reading a sign when a woman walked around the corner. I moved a little (because I'm alive) and she jumped back in surprise. Apparently there a few ghosts and ghouls around London that wear reflective blue fall jackets, jeans and glasses. The scariest part for me was seeing some of the actors in the tube station trying to withdraw money from a cash point (ATM) and complaining that they could only take out 100 pounds at a time. They should never be seen in properly lit areas, ever. It's for the greater good.

But, it seems, there is always that silver lining. I got to complain and make fun of something, which are two of the things I do best. Hopefully it was as entertaining for you to read as it was for me to write.

Curiosity & Advertising: 1 | Scot: 0

Although, to be fair, it was two versus one.

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